We have seen your five-year roadmap end.
We came back anyway.
A delivery practice with an unusual relationship to deadlines, legacy infrastructure, and the phrase “last resort.”
Our forecasting practice has already visited Q3. It would like a word about the scope you added in Q2.
ENGAGEMENT MODELS
Time and materials.
Time travel and materials.
Missed a Q3 deadline? We return to Q1 and have a difficult conversation with your Product Owner. Delivery improves when the problem is addressed before it has a budget.
The steering committee may remember a different meeting. This is within tolerance.
Introducing the C₃H₅N₃O₉ Cloud Migration Protocol. The name tested well with the architecture team. Facilities has requested a separate meeting.
No dynamite was used in resolving the incident. We were asked.
We arrive before the alert, document the rollback, and ask who approved the change. The answer is usually someone who has not been born yet.
Our retrospective has become a prospective. It still needs an owner.
A LONG VIEW OF DELIVERY
Combined experience: 400,000 years, non-consecutive[2].
We can visit your launch. We cannot make Sales stop promising features while we are away. The temporal practice now travels in pairs: a consultant and someone authorised to say no.
Change management is harder when the change has already happened.
Our consultants can explain a dependency without opening a portal in the boardroom. We prefer that option. Your procurement system does not have a field for “causality restored.”
One dynamite. Unused. The partner responsible for tracking it has requested that we stop calling it a burn-down metric.
SELECTED ENGAGEMENTS
References available.
Some assembly of the timeline required.
Client had 400 conflicting Jira boards[2]. We proposed a high-visibility mural in a limestone cavern. Leadership immediately understood the bison. The bison declined the follow-up workshop.
Reported uptime: 100% over 17,000 years[2]. The monitoring agent was a bat.
The 2022 medicine Nobel went to Svante Pääbo for work on extinct hominin genomes and human evolution[8]. We were not consulted.
Alfred Nobel invented dynamite[8]. Brand Partnerships has asked whether this is enough to put a laurel wreath in the footer.
We are not currently hiring. We are currently extinct. The two are related.
Hugh Mann, our diversity hire, has proposed a graduate scheme. Human Resources is reviewing whether the name of the department is exclusionary.
[2] Temporal terms: Procurement requested a linear timeline. We have offered a circle. Legal excludes liability for butterfly effects, paradoxes and accidentally preventing the CTO's parents from meeting. Legal has declined the return journey.
[8] Nobel: The Nobel Foundation records Pääbo's award. Its Alfred Nobel biography covers the inventor of dynamite. Neither fact constitutes a supplier relationship. Brand Partnerships has been informed.